Red Kitsune
by bluerain1984
Summary: Joey wakes from suspended animation to discover he's the last man alive on the space ship, Red Kitsune. Will he ever find other humans, out in space? IYxYGO
1. Deep Freeze

Disclaimer: We don't own Yugioh, Inu-yasha, or Red Dwarf. This was one of our contest suggestions, but now we're gonna post it anyway! Have fun! 

**Red Kitsune**

**Chapter 1: Deep Freeze**

"We wish you a fond farewell and a safe journey, crew of Red Kitsune," said the flight commander to the crew and passengers as they stood aboard the huge space vessel. As the crowd applauded and dispersed, Joey nudged his roommate Kaiba in the side with his elbow.

"Check her out!" Joey said, pointing to a very pretty 2nd Lieutenant, who had long black.

"Forget it, Wheeler," Kaiba said cynically, "Sango's out of your league."

"Oh like you have a better chance," Joey said as they went on their way back to their bunks.

"Of course, I am one grade higher than you."

"We both fix vending machines," Joey said.

"That may be true," Kaiba replied, "But I'm the one in charge of the vending machine repair crew."

"We're the only ones here," Joey pointed out. "How is that, anyway? They got a million vending machines on this hunk of space junk, and only the two of us to fix it."

"Budget cuts, Wheeler. You should learn to appreciate the efficiency of Space Command. It was either cut back on our staff, or eliminate us all together."

"Either way, it stinks." Joey said as he opened the hatch to their quarters. Once in, he was pounced immediately by his pure white dog, Spot. "Down girl, down!" he said, giving her a hug.

"You'd better pray they don't find her out of the kennel," Kaiba said, getting in his bunk.

"Hey, I wouldn't let those thugs in cargo bay 13 get ahold of my Spot. They'd fry her up and eat her!"

"Please they're not animals, Wheeler," Kaiba said. "Unlike some people I know who eat their own toenail clippings."

Joey, who was at that moment was chewing on his feet, spit out a toenail. "I don't eat 'em," he retorted, "I just hate clippers."

"Either way it's disgusting," Kaiba said. On the floor, Spot gave him a growl, before turning around a few times and laying down at Joey's feet.

Just then, Joey got a beep on his pager. "Great," he said, getting up, "They're out of Nougat Bars on Level Six."

"You'd better put that dog in the hold, Wheeler, before they catch you with it," Kaiba said, getting his book out from under his mattress.

"Alright, alright." Joey said getting the leash. "Come on girl, time for a walk." he said. He left the room and took the dog to the hold, promising to get her after his shift. But just as he closed the door and turned around the corner, he bumped into the large administrator over personnel.  
"Wheeler, did I just see you put a live animal in he cargo hold?" asked the man in charge.

"Uh… that depends. Did ya have you're glasses on?" Joey asked.

"I don't wear glasses."

"In that case you probably did," Joey said, slumping.

"That's it, Mr. Wheeler, that was your fifteenth infraction this month, and we've only just left space dock. You'll have to be reprimanded."

"Reprimanded?" Joey asked with a sweat drop.

"That's right, follow to the captain's office."

"Aww man," Joey groaned.

_**Transition**_

Joey pounded furiously on the glass of the suspended animation module, screaming obscenities. "You can't do this to me! This is cruel and unusual punishment!"

"Captain, sir, I'd like to register a complaint," Kaiba said to the captain. "Aren't you leaving me a little short handed?"

"Would you prefer to be locked in there with him?" the captain asked.

"See you in a few days, Wheeler," Kaiba said, waving to Joey.

"Why you dirty, double crossin-!" Joey screamed as the switch was thrown, and he was frozen.

_**Transition**_

While young Joey was in suspended animation, a terrible accident befell the ship and crew. A radiation tube leaked dangerous gama rays , contaminating the ship and killing all on board, except for Spot, who was locked safely up in the ship's hold. Then, the years passed…

_**Transition**_

"Activating Primary Program," went the long sleeping Computer System, K.A.G.O.M.E, as it booted up for the first time in 3 million years. The face of a teenage gilr appeared on the screen and yawned.

"Man what a nap." she said. "Now let's see… I guess I'll scan for life forms," she said. The computer ran it's system all over the ship, and then went haywire in the animation lab. "Uh oh," she said, "We got a live one." she turned on her screen in the lab, and used the auto-release valve to open the chamber.

As mist hissed out fo the chamber, Joey came stumbling and shivering out. "Man, when they say 'suspended animation', they mean frozen stiff. What, no one to meet me?" he said, looking around. "Where is everybody?"

"All dead," said the girl on the screen.

"Who said that?" Joey asked, looking around.

"I did," Joey looked and saw the face, "I'm the ship's artificial intelligence," she said. "You can call me Kagome."

"Well, Kagome, what'd you mean by 'they're all dead'. You mean everyone's gone? How long have I been in there?"

"Approximately 3 million years," Kagome said.

"3 Million years!" Joey exclaimed. "What? How? WHY?"

"Well, judging from your record, you must have done something very bad," Kagome said, "Because they're only supposed to put the worst criminals in there for consecutive life sentences."

"All I did was get my dog out," Joey said.

"That kind of infraction only warrants two days. I wonder what happened… Oh now I remember," she said, smiling, "The day after you were locked in, there was a radiation leak, and the whole crew died a slow, agonizing death."

"Why are you smiling about it?" Joey asked her.

"I'm programmed to be pleasant. Anyway, it seems that the radiation has only recently dissipated enough for humanoid life forms to live. I guess that's why I rebooted."

"So I'm the last man alive?" Joey asked, looking quite dejected and sad. "All my friends… that cute lieutenant… even my dog! All gone!" he said, crying like a baby.

"Hey, now, hold on," Kagome said. "Uh oh, I upset him. It's not in my program to upset people. I know! A familiar face will cheer you up," she said. Then she began running through a list of personnel. "Hologram… hologram… who to hologram? Ah here we go. This should cheer you up," she said. Suddenly, in front of Joey appeared…

"Kaiba?" Joey said, looking up. "It's a GHOST!" he cried, hiding under a table.

"I'm not a ghost you idiot." Kaiba said, pointing to the 'H' o his forehead, "I'm a hologram. Before the ship left dock, we had our memories downloaded into the ship computer, remember dunce?"

"Oh yeah," Joey said, climbing back up. "So is my memory in there somewhere?"

"Why would you want a hologram of yourself?" Kagome asked, confused.

"Well why would you think I'd want one of him?" Joey asked her, pointing to Kaiba.

"The records say you're bunk mates," she answered. "Aren't you, like, buddies?"

"Actually I'd rather have that cutie Sango here instead." Joey said. "Bring her out."

"I can only run one program at a time," Kagome said, "But okay."

"Bye bye," Joey said, waving and grinning at Kaiba.

"Hold it," Kaiba said, holding out his hand. "Either alive or dead, I still outrank him by one pay grade, and I order you not to put me back in the computer."

"He's right," Kagome said, "He outranks you. I gotta obey his orders."

"Hey, wait," Joey said, "Doesn't a live crewman outrank a dead one?"

"Nope. Orders are orders. He stays until my next upgrade."

"And when's that?" Joey asked.

"When we get back to space dock," Kagome answered.

"And that is…?"

"Well, we've been traveling at hyper speed for over 3 million years, so probably… never."

"Great," Joey said, slumping to the floor.

"Well, looks like without the captain or any other officers, I'm in charge," Kaiba said, attempting to lean against the wall, but falling through instead.

"Oops, forgot to make him solid," Kagome said, intiating the program just as Kaiba hit the floor, stuck in the wall.

"Get me out of here, you obsolete piece of hardware." Kaiba said through the wall.

"You're making it hard for me to be pleasant," Kagome said. "Hold on and I'll reboot you standing." As she did, Kaiba managed to see a flash of white go by in the hall.

"What the?" he said. As he reappeared in the lab again, he said, "Kagome, scan the ship for other life forms."

"Why?" she asked.

"I thought I saw something."

"You mean, there could be other survivors besides me?" Joey said with hope. "What are ya waitin' for? Scan!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not reading anything outside the cargo hold besides Joey." Kagome said.

"What about inside the hold?" Kaiba asked.

"My range is limited. I can't look in the hold. Wait!" she said, "I'm picking up something on level 4, sub section B."

"Those are the kitchens," Kaba said. "Teleport me."

"I'll meet ya there," Joey said, "Maybe there's some radioactive-free food." He said, running down the hall and getting on the elevator.

"There was plenty of supplies in the cargo hold, so there should be something." Kagome said.

"Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, come to Papa!" Joey said rubbing his hands as the elevator opened and he made a fast run for the cafeteria. When he got there, he saw Kaiba fighting off a person with… dog ears.

"Get off me!" growled the dog-boy as he threw Kaiba against the wall.

"Not till you tell me what you're doing aboard this ship," Kaiba ordered.

"I live here, stupid," the dog boy said. "My race has lived here since the beginning. Now I gotta get this food to the old man."

"Hold it," Joey said, grabbing him. "Just what are you?"

"Duh, I'm a Dog. Are you blind? Say, what the heck are you? You're not a Dog," he said, sniffing Joey. "You're ears are in the wrong places, and where are your teeth?"

"Right here," Joey said, opening his mouth.

"You call those teeth? These are teeth," the dog-eared person said, showing off his fangs.

Joey cringed and backed against the wall. "I'm bettin your race, what ever you are, probably ate my Spot," Joey said, trying to get his courage up.

"Spot? What do you know about Spot the First?" the dog person asked suspiciously.

"She was my pet," Joey said.

"That's impossible. She was the one Cluster saved from the end of the world! If she was you're pet, then that would make you-" he looked stricken.

"What's the matter with you dog boy?" Joey asked.

"Inu-yasha," cried an old voice, and a old man with dog ears dressed in a kimono came hobbling along. "what's taking so long with the Ramen?"

"Old man, you won't believe it," Inu-yasha said. "I've found the actual Cluster!"

"Huh?" the old dog man squinted at Joey, then gasped as he fell to his knees and said, "All hail The Mighty Cluster!"

"What the heck is goin on!" Joey grabbed his hair and screamed, a sound that could be heard in the far reaches of space.


	2. The Legend of Cluster

**Chapter 2: The Legend of Cluster**

"Okay, explain this to me one more time, because I just can't grasp it," Kaiba said to Inu-yasha and his elderly friend, Fido the Wise, "He is your god?"

"That's right," Fido said, producing a huge book form his robes. "It's all laid out here in the great book."

"All I see are pictures and paw prints," Kaiba said. "Kagome, can you translate this gibberish?"

"Sure," Kagome said. "I can translate anything as long as it's not Welsh." she scanned the book, and processed the information. "Okay, as far as I can tell, this is how they interpreted the events of 3 million years ago. Cluster- Joey- was a great celestial being who lived among the upright walking gods. But he foresaw a terrible tragedy, and low, he took Spot, who was with child, and sealed her in the Cargo Bay, protecting her from the end of the world. When the god had all but disappeared, Spot's children multiplied, and when they learned to walk on two legs, it was given to them by Cluster who was sealed in time, that they should be a mighty race, and they should travel the stars where once the celestial beings had dwelled."

As Kagome narrated, she displayed the pictures of the tale, first one of Joey holding a sword in one hand, and scratching Spot's ears with the other. Then, in the next one, it was of Joey stuck in a box, and Dog-people bowing before it.

"So what happened?" Joey asked. "Where'd the race go? How come we get stuck with Fido and Noddle-breath?" Inu-yasha growled in protest.

"According to the book," Kagome said, "'Cluster gave to Spot the sacred writings, which said those with wisdom will know it's meaning: Two socks, one shirt, and a holey pair of jeans."

"Dang, my laundry list," Joey said slapping his head.

"You mean, it's not a star chart to the promised land?" Inu-yasha asked angrily.

"You thought it was a star chart?" Joey asked.

"And low," Kagome continued, "For those of great faith there shall be an everlasting reward of burgers, and savory donuts or aversive and filling, yay even individually wrapped packages of ketchup."

"Hey, that's my retirement plan," Joey said. "I was gonna open up a restaurant on Mars."

"That still doesn't explain what happened to the rest of Inu-yasha's race." Kaiba said.

"I'm getting to that," Kagome said. "Hmm… It looks like they were mostly killed off in holy wars."

"Wars?" Joey and Kaiba asked.

"Yeah, wars between the two factions," Kagome said. "One said that the restaurant uniforms were supposed to be blue, the other red."

"That's stupid," Joey said, "They were supposed to be green."

"You mean I've been wearing red all my life for nothing?" Inu-yasha snarled, getting angrier. "Well that's just great! I lose everything because of stupid guy in a box!"

"Hey," Joey started, but Kagome went on.

"So it was that the wisest and bravest of factions came together and signed a peace treaty, then using the great chart, they built two arcs to search for the great promised land, leaving only the sick, the infirm, and the crippled behind."

"Well bravo," Kaiba said, "Just what's wrong with you, Dog-boy."

"Nothing, I was born after that," Inu-yasha said.

"He was born from the cripple and the idiot." Fido said.

"What idiot?" Inu-yasha asked.

"Your father, boy."

"Oh, well that explains why he was trying to eat his own feet?" Inu-yasha said, crossing his arms.

"That reminds me" Joey said, looking at his own feet, "How long's it been since I trimmed my toenails?"

"I refuse to abandon m faith," Fido said. "Now that Cluster has returned to us, we shall- uhhhhhhhhhh!" Fido said, clutching his chest. Inu-yasha caught him in his arms.

"Hey old man, are you okay?" Inu-yasha asked him. Then, the old Dog slumped and went limp.

_**Transition**_

"We're here to say goodbye to Fido the Wise," Kaiba said somberly. They were gathered around a garbage pod decked out like a coffin. Inu-yahsa had his head bowed as Kagome cried, and Joey threw flowers onto the pod. Then Kaiba continued, "What can be said of Fido? He was a good dog. A good, good dog." Then, Kagome opened the hatch, and shot the pod out into space.

"Well, Inu-yasha, looks like we're in the same boat," Joey said. "Looks like we're the last of or respective races."

"Yeah," Inu-yasha replied. "Sucks doesn't it?"

"Royally."


	3. Virtual Unreality

**Chapter 3: Virtual Unreality**

Joey laid asleep in his bunk, snoring loudly, while the hologram of Kaiba tossed and turned and covered his head with a pillow on the top bunk.

Suddenly, Kagome popped on the computer, her hair in curlers, "Is he still doing that?" she groaned.

"He hasn't stopped all night." Kaiba said.

"So? You're a hologram, you can't sleep." Kagome said.

"I still want to close my eyes and meditate for a while," he replied, "And what's with the curlers? You're a computer program. You don't have real hair."

"I'm still a girl!" she yelled, then clicked off.

Then, Joey woke up, "Man I'm starved," he said, stretching, "What's to eat?"

Kagome can on again, fluffing her hair, "Anything you want. Come on down to the kitchens and I'll whip something up."

She turned in her monitor in the cafeteria, and found Inu-yasha slurping Ramen and watching old movies.

"Did you leave something for the other sentient being?" Kagome asked him.

"Mmm, yeah," he said with his mouth full. "I think there's half a raisin bagel left."

"Great, guess I'll use the replicator," she said. As she turned on her monitor in the kitchen. Joey came in.

"Alrighty then," Joey said. He looked at a toaster and said, "Hey, what's this do?"

"NOT THAT!" Kagome screamed, but too late. Joey pushed the button and it came to life.

"Good morning, hungry people!" it said happily. "The Pegasus Toast-a-matic 9000 at your service!"

"The what's it who's it?" Joey asked scratching his head.

"Great, we'll never shut him up," Kagome said.

"Oh, just one hungry person," said the toaster (it has Pegasus' voice). "Well then, what will it be? Would like some toast?"

"Uh," Joey hesitated.

"How about you, miss?" the Pegasus-toaster said. "Would you like a toaster pastry?"

"No thank you, I' can't eat anything. I'm a computer," Kagome said.

"Really? What kind?"

"I'm a super computer with infinite computation capacity."

"Really? So you know all the answers to every question in the universe?"

"Yeah sure."

"Then may I ask you something?" the toaster said.

"Is it about toasting of any kind?" Kagome asked.

"Of course not," the toaster said, hurt y her innuendo, "I'm not some one dimensional bread obsessed appliance."

"Okay," Kagome sighed, "What's your question?"

"Given that God is infinite, and the universe is also infinite," said the toaster, "Would you like a hot buttered muffin?"

"ARGHHHHH!' Kagome screamed.

"I'll just take this stuff and head out," Joey said, carrying a huge pile of food back to his bunk.

_**Transition**_

"What us that?" Kaiba asked Joey as Joey was hard at work.

"It's my own culinary creation," he said. "My triple fried egg, corn beef, chilie, cheese sandwich, with mustard."

"That's disgusting," Kaiba said. "And it smells worse than it looks."

"You kiddin?" Joey said, taking a huge mouth full, "This is the greatest food ever discovered. Course, you gotta eat it before the bread dissolves." so he wolfed it down.

As Joey was licking his greasy fingers, Inu-yasha walked in and took a sniff around. "Hey, what's that smell? It smells good."

"Like Cluster, like mongrel," Kaiba said.

"Hey guys, guess what," Kagome said, clicking on, "I've got the Virtual Reality simulators running."

"So you mean there's actually something fun to do now?" Inu-yasha asked.

"Yup, come on down guys, I'll show ya around." they cheered and hurried to the VR deck. Soon they were strapped in and had the helmets on their heads.

"Ready?" Kagome asked them.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Joey asked.

"Of course, and just to give you some peace of mind, I'll log on too. Meet ya inside." she said as the simulator activated.

_**Transition**_

"I don't see nothing," Joey said.

"Open your eyes," Kaiba said.

"Oh," said Joey as he opened them, and saw that he, Kaiba (without the H on his head) and Inu-yasha were standing in a huge field flowers.

"Were the heck are we?" Inu-yasha asked.

"This is the primary 'blank slate' program," said Kagome's voice. And then suddenly, she appeared, as a Japanese school girl, complete with sailor suit.

"Gahhhh" Joey muttered, his jaw dropping. Inu-yasha started sweating, Kaiba just stood there.

"I've never been this close to a girl before," Inu-yasha said, sniffing around. "It makes me wanna… do something."

"Paws off dog boy," Kagome said. "Hey Kaiba, what's wrong, has it been that long?" she said, witting him with a feather and knocking him over. "Yep, been that long."

"So how's this work?" Joey asked. "Can we actually feel, touch, taste and hear anything here?"

"I can smell pretty good," Inu-yasha said, grabbing a hand full of Kagome's hair and sniffing deep.

"Cut it out!" she yelled, yanking it away. "Ahem, yes you can."

"That's all I need to hear," Inu-yasha said, grabbing her picking her up, and running off with her.

"Hey, what do I do?" Joey yelled.

"Just think what you want and it'll happen!" Kagome yelled back.

"This gets better and better," Inu-yasha howled to the sky.

"Think what I want, eh?" Joey said. "Later, Kaiba." A sports car appeared, with Lt. Sango sitting in the front seat.

"How'd I get here?" she asked, looking around.

"I dreamed ya, and ya came to life," Joey said. "Now let's head for the Big Apple!" and he hit gas, as New York City appeared at the bottom of the hill.

Meanwhile, Kaiba had gotten up, dusted himself off, and thought really hard. Suddenly, a beautiful IRS Tax woman appeared.

"Are you Seto Kaiba?" said the agent.

"Yes."

"We have this refund for you: 100 million dollars."

Kaiba took the check and smiled wide, saying, "Excellent." Then took her hand, "Are you doing anything tonight?"

She shook out her hair and took off her sunglasses, and said, "Name's Mai, hun."

"Most excellent," Kaiba said as limo drove up and headed for the city.

_**Transition**_

Joey was swimming in the Hudson river, now filled with donuts, while Sango lounged in a bikini on the shore side.

"This is the life," Joey said, "A gorgeous woman, a river of donuts, I may never leave."

"You got that right," said a voice from the shore. Joey looked up, and saw Inu-yasha and Kagome waving down from a ferris wheel, the city of Tokyo was the back drop.

"Wait, How can you be in Tokoy when New York's right there?" Joey asked. Suddenly, red lights were blinking everywhere as he climbed out of the donut river.

"Uh oh," Kagome said, "Too mush inconsistence data in the system's causing an overload."

"Get me out of here!" screamed Kaiba as he ran up to them and fell at Joey's feet. His clothes were disheveled, he had stubble on his face, and his hair was a shaggy mess. "It was all going so well. I had the hot girl, the money, the limo, then this happened to me!"

"SETO!" screamed a shrill voice.

"No!" he yelled. They all looked and Mai came was waddling up, eight months pregnant and holding a rope to which five children were tied.

"Oh boy," Joey said, as Sango stood beside him and held his arm.

"I'm going to have shut this down," Kagome said.

"But what about us?" Inu-yasha said. "You were my first!"

Just then, an IRS agent came driving up. "I'm looking for a Joseph Wheeler. After 3 million years of not paying taxes, he owes the government 10 quadrillion dollars. How are you going to pay?"

Joey grabbed Kagome and shook her crying, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but that's the wrong answer," said the agent.

**_Transition_**

Joey, Kaiba, Kagome, and Inu-yasha were burried up to their necks in the sand, with jelly smeared over their faces, and crabs coming up the beach.

"This is my worst fear," Kaiba said. "I'm broke, and we're all going to die!"

"We won't die," Kagome said, "I'll have us out before the crabs get here… I hope."


	4. The Android Miroku

**Chapter 4: The Android, Miroku**

The ship Red Kitsune cruised on through space, transmitting the following message.

"This is an SOS from the colony ship, Red Kitsune. If there is any human life out there, please respond, the crew are dead, and the only life forms left aboard are vending machine repair man, Joe Wheeler, and a creature who evolved form the ship's dog. Currently in charge is the hologram of Joey's dead bunkmate, Seto Kaiba, 2nd Class."

_**Transition**_

"I still don't see why you're trying to pass the chef's exam," Kaiba said as Joey work furiously on a seven tier wedding cake. "There's no one left to feed besides you and the Dog."

"It's simple, Kaiba," Joey said, his smudged with flour and icing, "The chef is seven pay grades higher than you, so if I become the chef, I'll out rank ya and become captain," he finished, saluting with a raspberry.

"I don't see what's so great about being captain," Inu-yasha said, slumped in a chair, "so you have tog et up an hour before Kaiba and sit in the big chair? There's dozens of chairs more comfortable than that one."

"That's not the point," Joey said, "The point is that the captain's the leader, and the leader's the hero. If I'm the captain, I'm the hero."

"Oh, then in that case, I should be captain," Inu-yasha said, "What's higher than chef?"

"Well we need a gunner's mate-" suddenly, Joey clicked her off and bonked Inu-yasha on the head with a ladle.

"Bad dog, bad. You go outside!" Joey said, bonking him.

"OW! Stop it! Ow!" Inu-yasha cried.

"Hold it, we're getting a transmission," Kaiba said. "Kagome, plan the transmission."

"Okie dokie," she said, and the screen fizzed before the image of a black hair android came on.

"Hello? Is this thing working? Oh good, I picked up your distress message, and piggy backed my signal on your carrier wave. Please help! I'm stranded here on an asteroid with all these dead people! Help!"

"Transmission End," Kagome said.

"Did he happen to send his coordinateness?" Kaiba asked.

"Yeah, but we don't need them," she said.

"Why?"

"Cause he's right outside," she said, and the three looked out the window, and there on an asteroid was a crashed ship.

"I've never seen that class ship before," Joey said.

"It's a little more recent," Kagome said. "I'm guessing it's been out here, oh, only a thousand years."

"Then maybe we can get some news," Kaiba said. "Prepare to board the ship. There's probably no air there, so we'll have to wear space suits," Then he remembered that he was a hologram, "Or, you'll have to wear space suits."

_**Transition**_

The side hatch opened, and Kaiba led the way, followed by Joey and Inu-yasha, who wore pressurized space suits, and Joey carried a box that displayed Kagome's image.

"This looks like the main control room," Kaiba said looking around. "Joey, uplink Kagome to the ship's computer and see what's been oing on for the last 3 million years."

Joey set Kagome down and took out a cable, and linked her in to the ship computer. Suddenly, on the computer monitor beside her, there appeared the face of a kid with funky spiked hair.

"Good morning," said the image with a yawn, "I'm Yugi, the artificial intelligence of the Earth Intelligence ship, Esperosa."

"Oh good," Kagome said, "Then Earth is still there."

"Nope," Yugi said, "It blew up 2 million years ago. I come from New Earth, a planet in the Tri-Lite Galaxy. The remnants of the human Earth dwell there. Or at least they did. I don't know what's been going on recently. We've been stranded here for over a thousand years."

"So? Who sent your transmission?" Joey asked.

"Oh, that would be our ship's android, Miroku." Yugi said. "He's the only survivor, since… well he's metal."

"Got ya," Joey said.

"So where is he?" Inu-yasha asked.

Suddenly, from behind them, a closet door opened and out fell the android form the transmission. His upper torso was blue, the bottom torso was purple. As he lay on the floor, looking up at the three strange faces, he smiled and said, "Welcome to The Esperosa."

_**Transition**_

"So why bother staying in this tin can?" Joey asked as they sat on the bridge of the Esperosa.

"It's the only home I've ever known," Miroklu said. "I was activated on this ship for the first time. When it crashed I thought I would be deactivated too, but sadly I was left alive."

"Why's that sad?" Inu-yasha asked.

"Because everyone else died, and I've had no one to serve." Miroku said. Then suddenly he perked up and said, "That's all changed, now! I have a new master!" he said hugging Joey.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get off me," Joey said, squirming out of the hug. "Alright, you can come back. But I got one question: can you cook?"

"Of course. It's one of my primary functions." Miroku said.

"Sweet!" Joey and Inu-yasha cheered.

"Perfect, another idiot on this ship of fools," Kaiba said.

"Don't forget me," Yugi said, "Is there anything for me to do?"

"Well, we need a new VR computer," Kagome said.

"Great! I love VR games." Yugi said. "I'll start the download."

Minutes later, they were all aboard the Red Kitsune again. Miroku was inspecting every part of the kitchen, even conversing with the toaster, while Yugi was repairing the VR simulator.

"So, what's gonna happen now that we have a new robot?" Inu-yasha asked.

"It's all fixed," Yugi announced. "Everyone, get linked in. You too Kagome. I wanna take you guys on a tour of new Earth."

They sat in the chairs, and put on the helmets. Suddenly, they were transported to the top of a huge building. Yugi appeared as a short kid in a school uniform, and Kagome was the school girl again.

"Oh my," Miroku said. "I had no Idea that our ship's computer had such a lovely figure."

"Watch it," Inu-yasha said, "She's my woman."

"Alrighty, let's begin the tour," Yugi said, but suddenly the red light warnings were flashing again.

"I thought you fixed this," Kaiba said.

"I did, something else must have gone wrong," Yugi said as his body started fizzing out and then vanished. Then, the world started tilting, and the building disappeared, and all five of them fell down into a great black abyss.

_**Transition**_

"Game Over," said a computer voice.

"Huh?" Joey said, raising the VR helmet.

"Alright, everyone out. Your turns are over." said a guy in a lab coat.

"Over?" Joey asked.

"My head is killing me," Kaiba said as he took off his helmet. He was dressed in rumpled old clothes, and had stubble on his face.

"Kaiba, where'd the H go?" Joey asked.

"Huh?" Kaiba felt his head, and it was indeed gone.

"My ears are ringing," Kagome said as she removed a helmet. Joey and Kaiba bothe jumped, seeing her solid.

"You're-! You're-!" Joey stammered.

"Why do I still have arms?" Kagome asked.

"Oh no, I knew this would happen," said the guy in the lab coat, "They've been in the game so long their brains went cooky."

"Cooky?" Inu-yasha asked, removing his helmet, then he started flipping out, "Where are my ears? They're down here! And my teeth are flat! And- why do I have glasses?"

Miroku took off his helmet and said, "I have lungs! And skin! And real hair."

"Oh course, you do. You're not some android," the guy in the lab coat said. "Boy,. We're gonna have to be real careful with the next bunch."

"Next bunch?" asked Kaiba.

"The next group coming in to play the 'Red Kitsune' game. This is a VR Role Playing game that puts people in the situation of a man or woman stranded on a ship with an evolved creature and a hologram of their annoying room mate. The next level was picking up the android, but it looks like you guys hit an asteroid and got blown up before you could finish that level."

"I don't remember that," Joey said.

"Wait a minute, the alarms on the ship, just before the game ended," Kaiba said.

"They must have been warning us about the asteroids," said Miroku.

"And we didn't get out in time," Joey said. "I guess we failed the game, eh?"

"Miserably," said the techie, "But the people waiting in the lobby got quite a kick out of watching you guys. You're hilarious. Now take these sheets, they'll reacquaint you with your real lives. Next!" he called as the five walked out, dejected, and five other people walked in, excited and laughing.

"Mine says I'm a suit," Joey said, reading his paper. "I work in a corporation."

"Mine says I'm your secretary," Kagome said, frowning, "I liked being a computer."

"I'm a college geek with D average," Inu-yasha said, "And my name is Wayne Winkle! GAHHH!" he said, puling his black hair.

"According to this, I'm your dead beat brother-in-law," Kaiba said, looking at Joey with contempt.

"Well, I suppose mine's the best," Miroku said, "According to this, I'm a traffic cop who's on suspicion for grabbing a woman's tush."

"So you're a lecher, too," Kagome said.

"So it would seem," Miroku said, sighing.

"This sucks," Joey said, as they passed the monitor. They stopped and watched as the new crew cruised on, the 'Hero' had Lt. Sango on his arm, the hologram was standing in the back beside the android, and the Dog was typing on the computer as the AI image ran a huge diagnostic scan.

"They're doing so well," Kagome said.

"This REALLY stinks," Joey said.

As they walked outside, their heads hung in shame, Yugi's voice spoke from the clouds, "Hey! Are you all alright?"

"Yugi?" Miroku asked, "Are we going crazy?"

"No, you're not going crazy," Yugi said, "This is supposed to be a back up simulation from my ship, but in the malfunction, it got crossed with your ship's log, and now it looks like it's trying to take over your reality."

"Get us out of here!" Inu-yasha yelled, as people walked by, looking at them strangely.

"I'm working on it," Yugi said.

"Officer, those people are talking to themselves," said a lady on the corner to a police officer, "I think they're crazy."

"Don't worry, miss. Hey you!" yelled the cop, pulling a gun.

"Crap! Run!" Joey yelled, and they made a run for it, chased by the cop.

"Kagome, how does this thing work? If we die here, do we die on real life?" Kaiba asked.

"No," Kagome said as they ran, "You just go into a permanent state of vegetation."

"I should have stayed on the wreck!" Miroku cried.

"I got it fixed!" Yugi called to them, "Just lift the visors!"

_**Transition**_

As the four in the seats lifted their visors, they looked around. "Is it over?" Joey asked.

Beside Yugi's image on the screen popped up Kagome's. She sighed and said, "Back in my motherboard."

"I never wanna get stuck in that thing again," Kaiba said, getting up.

"I certainly hope not all days here will be like this one," Miroku said.

"Let's get some grub. Hungry, Inu-yasha?" Joey asked, then he saw that Inu-yasha was still hooked in, grinning his fanged smile from ear to ear.

"Bye," Kagome said, as she disappeared from the monitor.

"Dogs," everyone groaned.


	5. The Planet of The Animatrons

**Authors' Note:** We own nothing! Absolutly nothing! The reason we affirm this is because this next chapter is ripe with fictional characters we don't own. Now, enjoy the hilarity, and please review. 

**Chapter 5: The Planet of The Animatrons**

"So Kagome," said Joey as the small crew sat around the bridge, looking at Kagome's monitor. "If you really do have infinite computation capacity, why aren't you smart enough to build us a time machine to take us back in time so that we can go home to earth?"

"Do I like techie to you?" she asked. "Besides, that comes in my next-"

"Upgrade," they all say.

"Next stupid question," Kagome said.

"Okay, if we did have a time machine," Joey said, "What year would everyone like to go back to?"

"Napoleanic Wars," Kaiba said. "I want the chance to march with the greatest general who ever lived."

"I'd like to go back to last Tuesday," Inu-yasha said, leaning back in his chair. Joey Kaiba gave him strange looks.

"Don't you remember?" Inu-yasha asked them, "We sat around watching TV, ate the last of the Potato Chips, and played Pong on Kagome. We'll never see days like those again."

"I would like most to se the beautiful island of Japan," Miroku said.

"For the days of the samurai?" Kagome asked.

"No, for the plentiful geisha houses," Miroku said. Suddenly, a huge jolt of electricity went through his cable where he was being charged in the wall. "OW!"

"Oops," Kagome said, innocently, "Power surge."

"What about you Kagome?" Joey asked.

"I'm a computer. There's no where in particular I'd like to go. I'd like to go to the future and see what happens to all of us. Do we make it to New Earth? Do you guys wind up running out of food and have to eat each other to death? These are important questions."

"I have an important question," said the toaster from the corner.

"Is it about toasting of any kind?" Kagome asked, a red vein bulging in her head.

"Of course not," whimpered the toaster, "I've learned my lesson."

"Alright," Kagome said, calming down. "Ask away."

"Would anybody like some toast?"

"ARRGGRHRHHHHHHHH!" Kagome shrieked, pulling her hair.

"Look no one wants any toast!" Joey yelled picking up the toaster and shaking it. "No toast, no tea cakes, no muffins, no griddle cakes, no pancakes, no Pop Tarts!"

"Oh, I see. Okay," the toaster said. "You're a waffle man!"

"GAHH!" Joey dropped the appliance and started banging his head on the console. As the toaster hopped away, alarms started going off all around the ship.

"What did you do now, Wheeler?" Kaiba snapped.

"I didn't do nothing," Joey said defensively.

"There's an object coming in on a direct collision coarse with the ship." Kagome said.

"What is it?" asked Kaba as he climbed into the gunner's chair. "A torpedo? A bomb?"

"Looks like a mail pod," she said, bringing the image on screen. "Now that we've turned around, it's caught up with us."

"Oh," Kaiba said disappointed.

"Alright!" Joey said. "I hope my stuff came in."

"What could you possibly afford to buy?" Kaiba asked him.

"Only a genuine imitation model of the world's biggest non-stick fryin pan," Joey said.

"Of course."

The side hatch opened and received the pod into de-contamination. When it had been thoroughly sterilized, the guys went down and opened it up.

"So like, what are you guys gonna do with all these other people's mail, since they're all dead?" Inu-yasha asked as they sifted through letters and packages.

"I guess you can have it, dog-breath," Joey said. "Yay! My model," Joey cheered, hugging the box.

"This is typical," Kaiba said, "I order these extra strength multivitamins weeks before departure, and they come in now."

"I'll just take these," Miroku said, picking up a pile of magazines, "To, uh, line the toaster's cage."

"Hey Joey, check these out," he said, holding up a black spiked collar and a pair of black leather boots with spiked heels. "These were for Lt. Sango. Didn't you have a crush on her or something?"

"Uh… uh…" Joey stammered, his gone red. "Just what else is in there?" he said, taking the box from Inu-yasha. He pulled out a pair of hand cuffs, colored scarves, and a top hat. Then he quickly stuff everything back into the box and said, "You should be ashamed for looking through a lady's private belongings!"

"What?" Inu-yasha asked, "But you just-!"

"I'll just, uh, take these to her room and put them away." Joey said, hurrying off.

"Was he always that weird?" Miroku asked.

"Unfortunately, yes," Kaiba said. "The only other thing in here of importance is Kagome's upgrade software. Other than that, it's just junk mail. Flyers for Arbor Day sales, coupons for anti-fungal cream."

"There's a flyer from a theme park," Inu-yasha said as Joey came back.

"A theme park?" Joey asked. "what theme?"

"History world, a whole separate park devoted to kids, and 'life like animatronic tour guides?" Inu-yasha said.. "what are animatrons?"

"Robots designed to look and act like just like real people." Kagome answered. "They can be based off figures in history, or be a simple as a Saturday Morning cartoon character."

"It says that the animatrons are manufactured on sight," Kaiba said, looking at the flyer.

"So?" asked Inu-yasha.

"So? I could get a new body! I'd just have to download my memory into the factory computer, and then I'd be back in business."

"Which planet is this park on?" asked Miroku.

"Nuton- 7," Kaiba said. "It's only seven parsecs away. We'll reach it in two days."

**_Transition_**

That night, as they laid in their bunks, Joey started giggling, while Kaiba tried to meditate.

"What are you so happy about?" Kaiba asked.

"Well, since we're goin to the trouble of making you a new body," Joey said, "I figured we could go ahead and give Sango one, too. Her memories were downloaded too, right?"

"Of course," Kaiba said. "Everyone's were. Wait…" he said, getting an idea, "We could bring the whole crew back!"

"We won't be alone anymore!" Joey said happily.

"I'll be a hero," Kaiba said, sitting up. "They'll me for my ingenuity and brilliance. I'll be beloved by everyone, and have more respect than even kings!"

"Ahem," Joey said. "Remember the guy who woke you up in the first place?"

"Oh yes, you. Well, you'll be given credit as the doofus who survived by accident," Kaiba said. "I'll give you my old job, since I'll be declared the new captain."

"Get your fake head out of the clouds," Joey said, "Then things'll be just like before, we'll be nobodies. And they might dissect Inu-yasha."

"Your right," Kaiba said, coming to his senses. "Fine. We'll only bring back myself and your stupid crush."

"She's not stupid!" Joey said, bopping him with a pillow. Kaiba. Grabbed his own pillow and bopped him back. And so it went until morning.

**_Transition_**

The planet was insight as the crew gathered on the bridge. "I wonder if there are other humans down there," Joey said.

"After 3 million years of technological evolution, the humans and animatrons are probably indistinguishable," Miroku said.

"I wanna come too!" Kagome said, "I love roller coasters!"

Inu-yasha sighed. "I'll get the portable screen."

"And don't drop me this time," Kagome ordered him.

_**Transition**_

The shuttle landed at the space port, but as they got out and entered the reception hall, the entire building seemed desolate and deserted… like no one had been there in centuries.

"That's funny," Joey said, "We saw plumes o' smoke comin from the factory. That means somebody's gotta be runnin things."

"Well you can plainly see that there's no one here," Miroku said.

At that moment, something whisked by. "What was that?" Kagome asked.

"What was what?" asked Kaiba.

"I thought I saw something," Kagome said.

"Probably just an aniamtronic mouse," Inu-yasha said as he carried her screen and they walked on.

"Somethin ain't right here," Joey said. "How many people we bring with us?"

"Five," Kaiba said. "You, me, that Mutt, the walking trash heap, and the girl in the box."

"Then something's wrong here, cause I'm counting six people," Joey said. They all turned and saw… Someone they'd never seen before.

"Who are you?" Kagome asked the strange guy.

"What do you mean? I'm Bakura," said the teenaged looking boy with wily white hair.

"Where'd you come from?" asked Joey.

"I've always been here," Bakura said. "This is my home. I was made here, I worked, and now I'm hiding in here."

"Hiding from who?" asked Miroku.

"From them," Bakura said, pointing to the gates. Outside stood a legion of Roman Centurians, their swords and spears drawn.

"So," said one soldier, "More Rebels. Call for General Custer."

"General Custer?" the confused five asked. Then, a tall blond man on a horse came riding up in an Civil War Union uniform.

"Well, looks like these Johnnies are going to join the other fictional fabrications in the dungeons." said Custer as he took his pistol, "Single file, prisoners."

"Oh dear," said Bakura as he raised his arms.

"Hold on," Joey interrupted, "we're not fictional, we're real people!"

"Nonsense," said Custer. "The last real people died 500 years ago. All that's left are the fakes and the tour guides. Or shall I say tour guide."

"I'm the last of my model," Bakura said. "And now I'll join my brethren in the scrap heap."

"The General said to march," said the Centurian. And so they marched, poked and prodded by spears as they made their way to the capital of History World: Ceasar's Palace Casino. Inside, they were brutally interrogated, Kagome's box was disassembled and then reassembled to see what secrets it held, as the other five were taken to be judged by the leaders of the Historic Animatrons.

"I don't believe it," Kaiba said, "These are the most evil men in all history!" Before them stood Hitler, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Groucho Marx.

"Groucho Marx?" Joey exclaimed. "You're evil?"

"Of course, a guy's gotta make a livin," said the comedian. "On with the business at hand, says here that they found you guys being fictitious," then suddenly he dropped the piece of paper and started dancing on the table.

"Git offen ze table!" yelled Hitler as he banged the gable. "Nine! Nine!"

"Sorry, your viciousness, but it's way past nine; it's ten o'clock."

"He mean No!" said Genghis.

"Jurrrrry, vat is thine verdict?" the tyrant asked. In the Jury box sat one person, Joe McArthy.

"They're guilty!" he declared. "They're fictional! As sure as Genghis over there is a Communist, they're fictional!"

"Zen I sentence you to ze firring squat!" said the judge.

"The what?" they all asked.

"Firring squat! Firring Squat!"

"He said off to the firing squad," interpreted Groucho, "Now off with ya, and don't let me catch you doing it again."

"The execution shall be at sunset," said Custer.

"Why not sunrise?" Joey asked.

"Because our after slaughtering party is at sunrise and Genghis needs to sleep off his rampaging.

"Me sorry," said Genghis as the prisoners were led away. They were soon taken to a dank and moldy dungeon, whose cells provided full views of the firing squads. The five were locked in cell 38B, and left to wait their fate.

"So who's our neighbors?" asked Inu-yasha.

"Elmo go to wrong fundraiser," said the red monster as he banged his cup against the bars, in the cell across form them.

In the cell to their left was Donald Duck, who was curled up in feathery ball, weeping at his fate, while on their right, a very mal-nourished Yogi Bear played a sad song on the harmonica.

"This is just sad," Kaiba said, "We're all going to die tonight."

"Why are you worried?" asked Miroku, "You're a hologram, and you're already dead."

"Oh yeah," Kaiba said. "Well, you're all going to die tonight."

"How affectionate," Joey said. "After all we been through."

"Well don't blame me," Kaiba said. "It's not my fault you're made out of flesh."

"I won't sit here and get in the dumps," Joey said, standing up. The prisoners all raised their heads at the sudden show of conviction. "Now there's gotta be a way out a here."

"Without Kagome to compute anything, we're doomed," Kaiba said.

"I'm with the idiot," said Inu-yasha, "I'm not going to let a bunch of walking tin cans take me down. My people were warriors, and even if my dad did try to eat his own feet, I know he;d want me to fight!"

"That's the spirit, Dog Breath!" Joey said, "And all you guys, you cartoons and story book characters: you're supposed to be Rebels! Where's your spirit? Where's your energy and life?"

"They took it all away when they took down Micky and Bugs," said Goldilocks said. "How can we fight with them?"

"Joey, these people need a hero, not a zero," Kaiba said.

"They're bringing out a prisoner!" cried Miroku. Everyone went to their windows and peered with horror.

"It's Hello Kitty!" cried Inu-yasha.

"She's refusing the blind fold," said Joey. Soon the sounds of guns being fired filled the air. Then silence.

"Good God," said Kaiba in shock, "There's glitter everywhere!"

"That's something you just ain't never supposed to see," Joey said, holding his stomach.

"Next!" cried the marshal. Centurians came marching in, and they came right to cell 38B.

"I won't go without a fight!" cried Joey. He and Inu-yasha stood back to back. Joey had his fists up, and Inu-yasha had his claws ready. "We figured you would resist," said the Centurain. He pulled out an a sword, "If you will not go, then one of these other wretches go in your places."

Joey and Inu-yasha, grudgingly, eased up and were taken out with the others. They were lined up, blindfolded, and they waited for the bang.

But it didn't come, for just then, the ground shook as a tank came barreling in, firing sticky masses of chewed bubbled gum at the solders and Centurains, sticking them to the ground. Inu-yasha used his claws to untie his bonds, and untied the other four.

"Wow, what luck!" said Joey.

"But who has rescued us?" Miroku asked. Just then, the hatch on the tank opened, ad out popped Groucho, with Kagome's screen hanging on his neck.

"Hey guys," Kagome said. "Miss me?"

"Huh?" all but Bakura asked.

"But he's one of the bad guys," said Joey.

"No he isn't," said Bakura, "He's our spy. We've been planning a rescue mission for the others for a while, but we never had the opportunity. Thanks to you, we can free the survivors and recoup."

"But before we can recoup, we have to fly the coup, so let's make this the coup de gracey," said Groucho as he hopped down and handed Miroku Kagome's screen, while the Seven Dwarves ran into the dungeon and busted the prisoners out.

As the fictional characters scattered about, running in all directions, Genghis Kahn and his Mongol Horde came riding, barring oozies, blasting away.

"This way, to the factory!" Bakura ordered, and they made a mad dash for the smoke stacks.

"New body, here I come," cried Kaiba as he ran.

"Is that all you can think about?" Kagome yelled, we have to get back to the shuttle!"

"Not before I get a new body," said Kaiba. As they reached the doors, the Mongolians at their heels, Genghis aimed his oozie, and fired.

"Oh crackers," said Groucho, "I'm hit! I'm hit!" sparks flew form his back as he went down.

"Groucho," Joey said, catching the animatron.

"No, go kid," Groucho said, "Don't worry about me… My only regret is, I never go to see Broadway."

"It's, uh, right over there," Joey said, pointing across the street.

"Oh," said Groucho. "Then I have no regrets. Program Terminated." and his head slumped down as his battery expired.

"Hurry!" cried Bakura, "We don't have much time." They rushed on in, and set Kagome's screen down.

"Hook me up to the main frame." she said. Kaiba opened the side panel and plugged her into the factory's central processor. "Now I'll start churning out more fictional characters than the bad guys know what to do with." She went through an inventory of every TV, movie, and book character known to man kind, and soon the factory went onto over time as beings from the mythical to the ordinary were assembled and came filing out.

"Great," Kaiba said, "I'm leading an army of Smurf against the most powerful conquering force in history."

"Come on, Ducks," Joey said, leading The Mighty Ducks to the windows, machine guns in their hands.

"Now, just one more thing," Kagome said. Then suddenly, her screen went blank.

"Kagome?" asked Miroku.

"What happened?" Inu-yasha demanded. "Where'd she go?"

"Oh no," Miroku said, "She was hit during the interface."

"Then why is the factory still going?" asked Bakura. Suddenly, emerging from one of the molds was… Kagome! Dressed in a green jumpsuit, and a bazooka in her hand, she cranked it, tossed Inu-yasha a ninja sword, and said, "Let's go."

"I love you," Inu-yasha said, then he grinned, his shining bright, and he charged out, slashing and hacking at Mongol after Mongol.

As the remains sparked and sputtered on the ground, Bakura said to them, "Thank you for everything. But if you're going to make it back to your ship, you must leave now."

"What about you?" asked Kagome.

"I have to stay and lead," Bakura said. "You've given us all the tools we need. Now we can defeat them, and make this theme planet a happy, wonderful place again."

"Goodbye, Bakura," Joey said. "Come on guys," he said, leading the way back to the space port, and aboard the shuttle.

**_Transition_**

"You're still mopein?" Joey asked Kaiba as they sat in the kitchen.

"I didn't get my new body," Kaiba pouted.

"Well what would've ya have done besides go on a date with Inflatable Vicky?" Joey asked as he slurped spaghetti.

"That stupid computer double crossed me," Kaiba said, just as Kagome and Inu-yasha came walking in.

"Well, we finished installing Yugi's programming," Kagome said. "Yugi is the new master computer of Red Kitsune."

"So, you happy with your new body?" asked Joey. Kaiba growled.

"Well, Inu-yasha certainly is," Kagome said, giggling, Inu-yasha frowned and blushed.

"Well then, since now you have a body, you'll need nourishing, refreshing, delicious toast!" said the toaster as he hopped onto the table.

"No," Kagome said, gritting her teeth, "Now that I have a body, I can do this!" She grabbed the appliance and started pounding the microchips out of it as it cried and begged for mercy.

"In the name of Thomas's English Muffins, STOP!" cried the toaster as Kagome kicked and punched it, chasing it all over the kitchen.

"Oh brother," said Kaiba, as he smacked his head against the table.


	6. Has Anyone Seen My Sanity?

**Authors'**: Again, we own nothing! Absolutely nothing. 

**Chapter Six: Has Anyone Seen My Sanity?**

Transmission: This is Yugi, The Artificial intelligence of the space ship Kitsune. I have taken over control from the former Master Computer, Kagome, since she has recently acquired an animatronic body. She and the rest of the crew, Joey Wheeler the last human alive, Seto Kaba a hologram of his dead bunk mate, Inu-yasha a creature evolved from the ships' dog, and Miroku a lecherous android who's sole purpose is to serve humans, are on a quest to find New Earth, where hopefully there are other human beings… And so Joey can finally get a date.

Addition: Supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30 thousand years.

Additional Addition: Since everything in here smells like wet dog, we have run out of carpet shampoo.

_**Transition**_

"Hey, what's the matter, Death Day boy?" Joey asked Kaiba as he put on a black party hat.

"Don't remind me," Kaiba said.

"Oh come on," Joey said, "You only die once. Now we can celebrate a whole lifetime of memories in one day."

"This is all an excuse to get out of buying me a Birthday present."

"Yeah pretty much," Joey admitted.

"It's alright, either with Death or Birthday, it doesn't matter. I never get anything nice anyway," Kaiba said.

"What are you talking about?" Joey said. "You got that nice white noise machine."

"All it can play is frogs croaking." Kaiba said.

"And you croaked," Joey said, "That's the point."

"I want something I like," Kaiba said. "Something that matters. Something that says you appreciate me."

"Fine, how about we go down to the ship's commissary store and pick ya out something nice?"

"I've been down there a hundred times since I was activated," Kaiba said, "They don't have anything new. They'll never have anything new, and do you know why? Because the human race is extinct, and I don't want 'I died and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' hanging in my closet!"

"I guess you won't want this present, then," Inu-yasha said, putting the box behind his back.

"Cheer up," Kagome said. "Even like this I don't like it when people are unhappy."

"Does this mean I have to throw out another cake?" Miroku asked.

"Hey guys," Yugi said, popping on the screen. "I've found a derelict space ship outside."

"Any life forms?" Kagome asked.

"Nope, sorry," Yugi said.

"What else is new," Kaiba said, "Whenever we find a derelict space ship, it's got dead people on it. If I don't start seeing some live faces besides these two idiots, I'll lose my sanity!" Kaiba yelled, pulling at his hair.

"Whoa, easy there Mr. Anti-party." Kagome said. "Well, guess it's time to go exploring."

"Yes, there might be some supplies over there we can salvage," Miroku said, taking off the chef's hat.

"You coming, Kaiba?" Joey asked.

"Might as well. What's the good of being a hologram when you stay in breathable air space."

"Right, then it's decided," Inu-yasha said. "Since Kagome and Kaiba are both artificial life forms, they will go with Miroku."

"You coward," Joey said.

"I'm not," Inu-yasha said defensively, "I just hate wearing that stupid space suit. I feel like a microwave burrito every time I put it on."

_**Transition**_

They boarded the ship and traveled down the dark corridors.

"What were these rooms?" Miroku asked.

"I think this was some kind of hospital ship," Kagome said. "We'll know more when I interface with the ship's computer."

"This place is creepy," Joey said. Just then, a skeleton fell out of a open door and fell on Joey's back. He cried and started running, waving his arms, "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

"Shut up you buffoon," Kaiba said as he knocked the skeleton apart with one arm. As he did, dust like particles came flying off the skeleton and into Kaiba's face. He coughed and said, "Lovely. Not only is he dead, he's dusty too."

"You'll both have to go through decon when we get back," Kagome said.

"My spectrometers are reading these dust like spores all over the ship," Miroku said. "It's times like this I'm glad I'm a robot."

"I'll be in the bridge," Kagome said.

"Hey look at that," Joey said, pointing to the floor. "Is that a sock puppet?"

"It looks like a chicken," Kaiba said, picking it up. "This might be a clue as to what happened here. I'd better put it on one of these space bags."

"You think they were pecked to death by chicken puppets?" Joey asked.

"No you imbecile. I'm going back to the ship. I've had enough of you."

As soon as Kaiba had returned to Red Kitsune, Kagome came running form the bridge and yelled, "We have to get out of here!"

"What?" Joey asked.

"Why?" Miroku asked.

"Because they all went mad!" Kagome said.

"What are you talking about?" Joey asked.

"This was an asylum ship. The people on here got sick, then they went crazy and killed themselves." she said ominously.

"EEHHH!" Joey cried, "Let's get out of here!"

"Wait, I found the doctor's lab," Miroku said. They went in, and found a note on the table where a skeleton in a lab coat was slumped. Miroku, avoiding the bones, picked up the letter, and read it. "To Whom It May Concern; I, Remises Niblick the Third Ker-plunk Ker-plunk Where's My Gerbil? do hereby bequeath my collection of viruses and various papers on diseases to whomever finds my skeletal remains. Being as I'm dead, I won't be needing them anymore. All hail Remises Niblick the Third Ker-plunk Ker-plunk Where's My Gerbil?"

"What should we do with all these parasites?" Joey asked.

"Who cares?" Kagome said, "Let's get back and go to the ship and go through decon!"

"I'll take these," Miroku said, gathering up the viles and bottles of specimens. "I want to study these in the lab. Who knows, there may be potential cures for thousands of diseases here. Besides, you and I can't get sick. We're artificial life forms. And Joey's protected by the space suit."

"Okay, let's just go! This place is still really creepy," Kagome said, pushing them out.

_**Transition**_

When they got back, they found Inu-yasha knocked unconscious on the decon room floor. And from the inner depth of the ship came a maniacal fit of laughter, and fury of clucking?

"What's that?" Kagome asked.

"Kaiba," Miroku said. "He's gone mad."

"How do you know?" Joey asked.

"Because it says here on one of these papers that one of the viruses made was a computer virus for holograms that was created to study space mania without risking human lives."

"Perfect," Joey said, "I'm guessing the guy who fell on me had it?"

"More than likely." Miroku said. Suddenly, the doors to decon locked on them, and standing outside the huge window was Kaiba, dressed as Strawberry Short Cake, and the Chicken puppet on his left hand.

"Kaiba, let us out of here!" Joey said, disregarding the chicken and the dress.

"Buck-ah!" went the chicken, and it's eyes glowed red.

"Not till you've gone through decon for the standard 30 minutes." Kaiba said.

"Humans can't last that long in deep sterilization," Miroku said. "Inu-yasha and Joey will die."

"My hands are tied by space core regulations," Kaiba said. "Of course I could bend the rules this one time."

"Then do it!" Joey said.

"I'd have to go to the King of the Mushroom People for permission." Kaiba said.

"Kaiba, you've gone crazy," Miroku said.

"You have Space Madness," Kagome added.

"I still have to ask the King of the Mushroom People for permission," Kaiba repeated.

"Then ask em!" Joey pleaded.

"Let me get this straight, you want me to go to the King of the Mushroom People and ask him to let you out of decon, and you say I'm the one who's crazy?" Kaiba asked.

"Buck- buckah!" went the chicken puppet.

"Yes, I agree. They're totally insane. We'll have to dispose of them." Kaiba said. They all cringed in fear as Kaiba disappeared and left them alone to die in the room with no way to escape.

"What do we do, what do we do?" Joey cried.

"First we must awaken Inu-yasha and then we'll just have to figure out some way to break out of decon." Miroku said. "Here we go, this should wake him up. Ramen noodles are ready." Inu-yasha sat up and started panting and acting like a dog who hadn't eaten in several hours. He sniffed around then looked up at everyone.

"Hey, there's no Ramen in here, and where did Kaiba go?" He asked. "That jerk snuck up behind me and knocked me out."

" He's gone crazy, we have to find a way out of here before he kills you and Joey.." Kagome told her lover. "Oh, if only there were some way to unlock that control pad over there on the wall, but it takes an officer's key and none of us have one."

"Why don't we just break it open?" Joey asked. "There's only a thin metal panel over it."

"That's right and Inu-yasha, being a Dog-man, possess super human strength." Kagome realized. "Brilliant. Go get it honey." She gave Inu-yasha a big kiss on the lips for luck then he walked over to the panel and ripped it off the wall."

"Now all we need is the override code." Joey said "What's the code Kagome?" He asked.

"Oh no." She sighed. "I don't know the code." She told them all.

"What!" They each exclaimed.

"The only ones who knew the code were officers and high ranking technicians like Kaiba." Kagome said.

"And knowing him, he's already changed the code." Miroku noted. "We're doomed."

"No, we're not!" Joey declared. "We're going to make it, and that's an order from your new Captain." Joey stated. "I let one crew die on me, I won't let another. We're going to break out of here and save Kaiba. Now put your heads together guys, let's think of something."

"Yugi!" They all suddenly realized he was still online and auto piloting the ship. "Yugi!" they all called out and on the monitor behind them, he appeared.

"What's up guys?" He asked.

"No time to explain, pal, we need out of the decon room now." Joey said.

"I'm afraid that I can't do that." Yugi said. "Kaiba says that you've all gone crazy. I'm sorry but I've got to obey his orders as he is the high ranking crewmember."

"Yugi, don't you get it, he's the one who went nuts." Joey said. "Haven't you noticed that he's dressed like a girl's play doll, and he's wearing a chicken on his left hand?"

"I thought that was a little strange." Yugi said. "But what should I do? I can't disobey him, I'd be drummed out of the space corp. for ever."

"Trust me pal, no one will ever know what happened. When we fill out the report then we'll just say that Kagome plugged into the system and overrid your commands." Just then Joey realized, why didn't they just do that in the first place. "Kagome, shoot me, shoot me now." He smacked his head then grabbed her hand and plugged her finger into the socket on the wall. Kagome uploaded her program again and then opened all the doors to the decon room.

"Okay, we're gone." Kagome said. "Sorry Yugi, but now I'm going to have to take command of the ship's computer systems again. Just until we get the ship and Kaiba back under control. Now let me see, where is he?" She asked the ship's sensors. She looked all over the ship for Kaiba but couldn't find him on any of the scopes or screens. "Oh no, that can only mean one thing." Kagome said turning her attention to the engine rooms. "He's in the engine room, and he's setting the ship for auto destruct!"

"To the elevator pods!" Joey said, lifting a fist. He went running down the left of the corridor.

"Wrong way Joey," Kagome said over the speaker. Then Joey came running back and on down the right of the corridor.

"We're going to die," Inu-yash said.

_**Transition**_

"Buck- buckah!" said the red eyed chicken puppet.

"Yes, my precious, soon," Kaiba said, stroking the puppet, "Soon the ship will be destroyed. But not us, we'll escape on the escape pods."

"Buck buck-buckah!"

"What do you mean it was your idea!" Kaiba yelled at it.

"Buckah! Buckah!"

"Fine, then you can stay here!" Kaiba said taking the puppet off and throwing it down on the floor. As he started striding to the the escape pod, Joey came running out of the elevator, screaming at the top of his lungs in a barbaric cry, wielding a long piece of pipe.

"KAIBA!" Joey howled as he made a swing, and knocked the hologram out. Kaiba fizzed in and out for several seconds, then, he totally disappeared.

"I did it!" Joey cheered.

"No, we did," Kagome said over the speakers. "We just turned off the holo-computer.

"So… I'm not the hero?" Joey asked, disappointed.

"You still can be if you turn of the self-destruct." she said. Joey looked and saw that the panel was busted.

"He smashed the controls!" Joey exclaimed, "I can't turn it off!"

"Well, there's a few options," Kagome said.

"What?" Miroku asked.

"Well, we can stand around and get blown up," she said, "we can sit down and get blown up, we can jump up and down and get blown up, then there's one more option."

"What? Stand on our heads and get blown up?" Inu-yasha asked.

"There's two more options," Kagome said. Just then Yugi came on again.

"Hey guys," he said, "What's wrong now?"

"We're all going to die," Inu-yasha told him, "Wanna jump up and down with us?"

"What are you all talking about?" Yugi asked, "There's no self destruct on this ship."

They all went still as stone, there eyes turning into little black dots.

"What?" Joey muttered.

"I got rid of that thing weeks ago," Yugi said.

"Then what the heck did Kaiba push!" Joey yelled.

Suddenly, from on of the food dispensers, there came aloud Ding! "Your milk shake is ready." said the computer.

"Thanks, I needed that," Joey said, taking the shake.

_**Transition**_

Kaiba awoke in the decon room dressed in his usual technician uniform, a huge knot on his holographic head. "Oh, what hit he?" he groaned.

"You okay, Kaiba?" asked Joey's voice from the darkness outside the window.

"What happened?" Kaiba asked.

"You went a little crazy," Kagome said. "But it's all okay now." Suddenly, the lights came on, and they were all sitting there dressed as Strawberry Shortcake, with red glowing-eyed chicken puppets on their left hands.

"Buck-buckah!" went Kagome's chicken puppet.

"Buck-buckah!" went Joey's chicken puppet.

"Buck-buckah!" went Miroku's chicken puppet.

"Meow!" went Inu-yasha's chicken puppet.

Kaiba's eyes widened, and then he let out a blood curdling, high pitched girly scream!


End file.
